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Lucille:
The
Head Lizard?
Perhaps the
most well-known and most frequently arrested lot lizard on record, “Lucille”
(above) was coaxed out of retirement to seek the head position of the newly-formed union: the NOCCW
(National
Organization of Commercial Company Workers).
Insiders say Lucille will be elected with more than 80 percent
of the vote because, among other things, she has survived more
social diseases than any other lizard on
record.
“’Sides that, she can
read,” one member told reporters,
“an’ I thinks tha’s purty cool in
isself — though I wouldn’t know
firs’han’.”
Reporters were unable to determine if Lucille actually has
a last name.
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By
Megan
Dattup, DIESEL JOCKEY NEWS
Gary,
Ind. —
Local truck stops were overwhelmed this
weekend as more than 3,000 “lot lizards”
converged on
the area from all over the nation. Diesel
Jockey News has learned that the purpose of
this great gathering was to elect national leadership for
the newly formed union, called the NOCCW (the
National Organization of Commercial Company
Workers).
“I don’t believe I’ve ever seen this many
miniskirts in one area,” said a local police
officer who patrols the area as part of his
beat. “Don’t get me wrong, now — there’s
always a bunch of them lizards around here, but
never this many at one time. They usually wear
those little miniskirts cause it’s kind of
convenient for their line of work. Most of them
don’t wear no underwear for the same reason,
plus I think it helps keep the flies off their
face.”
Parking lot security officers employed by one of
the major truck stops in the area — the one
with diesel-soaked fuel islands, numerous
inoperative pumps and potholes so big it’s a
two-dollar cab ride around them — said the
only arrests came when about seventy-five lot
lizards were blocking the driveway.
“They were sort of picketing,” a security
officer told DJN after witnessing the arrests.
“I could still hear them chanting ‘NO PIECE,
NO PEACE’ as the cops herded them into the
paddy-wagons.”
Although many NOCCW members had not yet voted,
preliminary exit polls indicated that “Lucille”
(who asked to be addressed as “The Lizard
Formerly Known as Lucille”) was the clear
front-runner for the head position. Insiders say she would likely receive
80% or more of the remaining votes.
After being coaxed out of retirement,
The Lizard
Formerly Known as Lucille ran her campaign based
on her notoriety and a promise to rid the
industry of “owner-operator-lizards” who,
she explained, are similar to regular lizards
except “they have their own mattresses... and
they won’t conform to union guidelines.”
The
Lizard Formerly Known as Lucille had no comment
when asked what the union guidelines were.
Speaking from atop an empty flat bed trailer in
a make-shift press conference, The Lizard
Formerly Known as Lucille said, “It’s time
for some changes ‘cause we been gettin’
screwed badly for years.”
An informal survey of local truck-stop managers
revealed that although some were concerned about
increased costs for more fences, razor-wire and
additional security personnel, most felt that
the increased lizard concentrations would result
in much higher sales of items like bug spray,
mace and air fresheners, which might offset some
of the cost.
A man believed to be a representative from the
Teamsters, Louie “Two-fingers” Minelli, was
spotted on his way out of the parking lot.
He
had little comment other than to say he was not
there in an official capacity.
“I heard there was free beer,” He said,
slipping into a limo, “You gotta problem wid’dat?”
We did not.
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