New Collision-Warning Device Employs Ex-Wife Technology 

By Rob Wellesly
Roving Reporter, DIESEL JOCKEY NEWS

Cleveland — Eaton unveiled on Tuesday it's 2nd generation anti-collision device which will be marketed under the name Nag-Rad. The device is similar to the highly successful Eaton Vorad Collision Warning System.  Vorad uses front and side sensors to warn drivers of other vehicles and obstacles. Nag-Rad uses sensors on all all four sides and a can actually anticipate the actions of surrounding traffic due to a completely new processing system. Unlike it predecessor, the new processor features a speech synthesis system optimized to get the drivers attention.

In an interview with Jack B. Nimble, developer of the Nag-Rad, DJN learned about the device's new audible warning. “The beeping of the Vorad system was annoying and did little to tell the driver exactly what they were facing.” Mr. Nimble stated, “So we decided to employ speech synthesis to get the drivers attention. We interviewed drivers, safety managers and enforcement officers to determine what voice is the most irritating to the most people."

Co-developer J. B. Quick told DJN that “After months of testing we decided to use my ex-wife's voice. She could stop a truck with it, plus she never shuts up.” [Click Hear]

The system uses a powerful computing system that senses traffic speed and density, then factors in your driving habits. It then selects the proper warning statement. [Click Hear] “We believe that we will reduce the accident rate by 40% with this unit.” Expounded Mr. Quick. “Safety managers are ecstatic about it. Our only problem now is that Hazel (Mr. Quick’s ex-wife) is suing me for defamation of character and royalties!” [Click Hear]

“Our next plan is to offer a customizable voice,” stated Mr. Nimble. “This will mean the driver can use his own ex-wife, current wife, or perhaps even a mother in law. [Click Hear]

(Yes, we know how to spell "here.")