The Official Truckers Horoscope 

Swami Poppadoc, Certifried Horoscoper

Aries (March 21 - April 19) -- OH JOY! OH RAPTURE!  What a wonderful month for you, Aries!  When I checked your horoscope this month, I had to go back and recheck, as I was so surprised.  Even then, still unable to believe it, I got out my old granny's Black Crystal Ball and checked again and YES! — there it was! OH GOLLY, OH JOY, OH WONDERFULNESS! Why is it such a good month? Well, I have no earthly idea. But hey, rejoice with me. Yippee. YIPPEE! YIP—

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) -- As a Taurus you are indubitably a master of Male Bovine Scatology! This is good, 'cause if you can't impress 'em with intelligence, go ahead and baffle 'em with Bull S--!  (Take the previous horoscope, for example.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) -- Well, Gemini, your twin personalities will really come to the fore this month.  All your friends will try to be supportive, but will be laughing behind your back 'cause your 335 pound hairy butt really does look funny sticking out of that mini-skirt!

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) — WOW, Cancer!  You are going to find a wallet containing many thousands of dollars! When you pick it up, a very large individual is going to inquire as to why you have his wallet.  My advice: hand it to him and run for the hills (or the truck).  

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) -- Females: You are going to fall head-over-heels, madly in love with a short, fat, bald, toothless, old, ugly swami...Heck Go for it, you only live once!
Males: you are going to fall head-over-heels, madly in love with a short, fat, bald, toothless, old, ugly swami... Please call 1-800-D-r-L-a-u-r-a (and tell her The Swami sent ya)!

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) — Hi, Virg.  I hope your hangover is finished 'cause at the end of this month you're going to want to go and get drunk!  Now I'm not going to go into details since this is a respectable web page, but suffice it to say you will run afoul of a weed eater, a live chicken, and a jar of peach preserves!

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23) -- As you are under the sign of justice, your sense of fair play will be outraged this month when you discover that spotted owls are dying off due to a shortage of protected kangaroo rats, which they eat.  You buy $500 worth of white mice and take them to Oregon, whereupon you are beaten nearly to death by an overweight, near-sighted, mice-loving, animal-rights activist! (I know this is complicated but read it through slowly a few times! Then again, I could be wrong.)

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21) -- An extremely annoying person will visit this month. Try to be pleasant.  If that doesn't work, stick two arrows in his chest and deposit him on the nearest reservation.  The important thing is that you tried to be pleasant.  By the way, don't leave a note.

Sagittarius (Nov.22 - Dec. 21) -- Sagittarius, you need to stay indoors. If you venture out on the wrong day, you will be run over by 9 empathetic, diabetic, old men on roller-skates, who have a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth! You will then fall in a lake where you will be chewed on by 10 lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep who haul and stall around the quall, the quay, and the quivy — all at the same time! (I don't know what a quivy is either -- it came to me during a game of Scrabble.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) -- YIPPEE! Oh sorry, I just sort of carried over from Aries! Well Capricorn, you are in for a dismal month, but, heck, just be happy for anyone who is Aries!

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) -- When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and love will rule the stars, and—WOW!—really bad flashback to 1968!  Too many Owlsley acid trips and Grateful Dead concerts!  Well, Aquarius, you are going to get rained on a lot this month, but hey you are the water sign.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) -- One of life's great mysteries is going to trouble you this month: "How did Coy get that motorcycle up on the high dive at the Shriner's convention?"  An unexplainable desire to buy Ray Stevens Greatest Hits may bare fruit. 

Feces (Octember 38 - Detober 65) -- We know what you did last Summer.  In the parking lot.  Behind the tandems.  In the dark.  When you thought no one was watching.  Well, I was.  I taped it, too.  Just send a money order for now.

Swami Pappadoc is a certifried horoscoper whose Official Truckers' Horoscope appears near more than 100 discarded newspapers nationwide.


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